


Next to me (us)

by CrystallizedInsomniac



Category: Tokyo Ghoul, Tokyo Ghoul:re
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Multi, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Slow Burn, the others are mentioned and hold no speech in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2015-09-05
Packaged: 2018-04-15 04:08:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4592340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystallizedInsomniac/pseuds/CrystallizedInsomniac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He notices, through tear-filled eyes that Mutsuki's neck sports his name. And it's enough to make him relax and decide that if he's to drown, as long as it's in <i>his</i> arms with <i>his</i> breathing on his neck and the sweet coos delivered to his and <i>only</i> his ears alone, then he'd gladly tie a boulder to his ankle just to <i>sink</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Next to me (us)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a oneshot I've been working on since July on and off, it quickly got out of control and ended up being 13k words long. It follows the manga loosely, up until ch. 41.
> 
> So because next week everything's going to get extremely busy in school, I've sat down and wrote the remaining 5k words today.  
> I have never written for so long in my whole life.

 

 _You know I know you're hurt_  
_I want to mend your heart_  
_If you're broke down_  
_Why don't you tell me from the start_

 

 

 

**//**

Contrary to popular beliefs, Urie does in fact have a soulmate.

 

Much to his dismay if he might add. He just isn't the type of person to show off his bond to others like it's some sort of achievement in life, he's better off just enjoying his time with the one person who was unlucky enough to be stuck with him. A part of him thinks that maybe if the idiot wasn't as eager and happy with the whole dilemma, then maybe Urie could stand the thought of being at least arm-length near him.

 

Instead, he's bound to a guy who's too positive and too annoying and for some reason he tolerates his presence, because having him near – when they're not fighting – makes him calm, a sense of being complete, if he could describe it in words. He doesn't tell him that, there is absolutely no need to make Shirazu believe that Urie’s starting to believe and actually welcome this whole 'soulmates business'.

 

Which he is not. He can't possibly get behind the idea of following a system that is flawed – because apparently some people are born with marks and others with names, on rare occasions one is born with a spectrum of black and white that slowly starts to gain colors as one grows up, and it brightens just enough to difference colors but not enough to look at them in their full out glory, and only when you meet your soulmate can you experience it – why would there ever be a need to follow behind it? Not everyone gets to be happy with his or her predetermined life-partner; some people just feign ignorance to it and some unlucky bastard gets stuck with a ghoul of all things.

 

You don't have to be smart to know how that works out. 

 

And because, sometimes, there are cases where soulmates aren't exactly soulmates. There are cases where your soulmates dies and it turns out that hey! You have another one! And then it just completely erases the point of a ‘soulmate’ and then that’s the end of that. 

 

So really, flawed system. That doesn't stop Urie from letting Shirazu tell everyone they know that they have a bond, because sometimes people say they're lying – and it's not like Urie really cares what others think – and watching Shirazu prove them wrong – They both have their names written in black on their wrist – is the most entertaining thing he gets to see all day, since Shirazu is almost always besides him, like he can't get enough of being near Urie.

 

Though he’s used to it. Back at the academy when Shirazu noticed the mark and proclaimed how they were soulmates – the whole class turned to look at them - and Urie punched him in the face and stormed out, it didn't seem like it bothered Shirazu much because he kept coming back. Persistent, an annoying trait that Urie never liked when it affected him.

 

Despite that awful introduction and Urie coming to learn that everything that accompanied Shirazu meant too much attention on him when he didn't want it, hours of being dragged places - though not one single complaint escaping his lips - and he knew that there was no way that he'd be getting rid of Shirazu any time sooner, now whether that was for the best or the worse went over his head.

 

Sometimes he found that despite his complaining in the initial months of this weird... experience - what else to call it? - he didn't mind having Shirazu near or indulging the other with actual compliance and less angry-looks.  

 

And when they're both graduating and joining the same squad, he finds it that he doesn't mind in the slightest. Their reasons are quite different of course, Shirazu joins because he needs money and Urie does not make a comment or shows interest in the reasoning behind it, he decides that if Shirazu wanted him to know he would've already told him, Just because they were soulmates didn't mean they had to know each and every crucial detail about the other.

 

Besides, Shirazu doesn't pry either. 

 

And it's not like it's something that's constant at the back of his mind. He might not be a true believer of all of this stuff - as in, like how Shirazu  _is,_  because the guy says that the love of his life will be the one that his fate decides for him. Urie's the type of person to wholly believe that one chooses their own path - but it's still something that's fairly normal in their daily lives. Soulmate marks are things that some people are born with and some people get through time at a certain age.

 

He guesses he never really cared about it because the mark he adorns on his chest - which he later comes to realize, resembles a wheel-of-fortune - didn't appear up until a couple of months before he even met Shirazu, and then when he got another mark - the one he shares with Shirazu - he simply forgot about it.

 

That is, until  _that_  happened.

  

 

 

**//**

Shirazu takes him out for lunch.

 

Not quite a thing that stands out in his life routine, so it really does not deserve a special spot in his mind, or at least shouldn't have because usually when Shirazu takes him out for lunch it consists of going to any fast-food joint that could have caught his attention a while back, so he is quite surprised by the change when he's led to a small coffee shop called  _:Re_. 

 

Shirazu leads him to a nearby table near the window and Urie makes no move to sit down until Shirazu does it first and Urie notes with vague interest that the other customers are looking at them - No, at him - with spare glances. It takes him a moment to realize why that is, but when he sits down and the cord from his earphones grazes his vision he clicks his tongue.

 

So he has them on and Shirazu was currently talking his tongue off. If it were any other person, they would have thought that Urie was not listening to Shirazu, preferring to put on something to block out his voice. Funnily enough, that's  _exactly_  what Urie had done the first couple of months of being followed around by the ginger and even that was not enough to drop the message clear into his head. 

 

But now the situation was different, Urie wasn't listening to music at all. It was just a habit he had developed a few years back, having his earphones on every time. While his gaze and attention weren't exactly centered on Shirazu at the moment, that didn't mean that he wasn't listening to what the other was babbling on about.

 

Whether Shirazu knew - or didn't care that Urie was probably not listening to him - did not seem to affect the male, because he just kept talking. 

 

            “—about another one, maybe in my right ear.” His eyes settle on Urie, seeking an opinion on the statement - more of a question really - and Urie shrugs. 

 

            “Whatever you want,” is his reply. In all honesty, he could care less on what type of earring or piercing Shirazu decided to bedazzle his body with. Not like it’d change Urie’s opinion on him and at this point, the guy could come home with bright neon pink hair and tattoos on his face and Urie would barely bat an eyelash.

 

Whatever makes Shirazu happy he guesses. 

 

At the answer, there’s a distinctive frown forming on his face and Urie places one elbow on the table, using his hand to hold his chin and direct his attention towards a nearby waitress. 

 

             “You know, when I’m thinkin’ about askin’ your opinion its cos I’m expectin’ you to say somethin’ about wanting to join me.” Shirazu sighs in clear disappointment that his persuasion skills have not worked on Urie and thus will not have a proper excuse to take Urie out to get body modifications.

 

The feeling is short lived, so Urie only gives him a quick glance with a clear raised eyebrow, before Shirazu is grinning – all sharp teeth – and draws his attention towards the waitress. 

 

            “Hey!" He greets the female with his usual friendliness and leans forward on the table. "I'd like an iced coffee and a piece of matcha cheesecake."  

 

The girl - probably a couple of years older than them - writes it down on a notepad she's carrying and turns her attention towards Urie, who doesn't even pay any attention to her other than the brief glance and meets her eye - because the other is covered by her bangs - before going back to looking at everything else but her or Shirazu with disinterest. 

 

            "Excuse me, sir? What would you like?" She asks, and Urie notes with slight interest that there's an edge to her voice, easily concealed behind her smile. Shirazu obviously takes no notice of it and speaks. 

 

            "Black coffee, make sure there's no sugar, he ain't too fond of sweets." 

 

Then as always, Shirazu makes it his job to stop the waitress for idle chat - which apparently he needs to live off of it because Shirazu is almost always trying to get people to sit down and talk to him - and when there's a giggle, followed by Shirazu's own chuckle, Urie is then interested in the events that are unfolding right in front of him. 

 

He watches with mild interest that Shirazu has in fact made the female stay for a bit to chat with him, though his voice is lowered to the point where there are only bits of words able to reach Urie's occupied ears. The female is there, laughing at every single thing that Shirazu is saying and he looks pleased with her reaction.

 

It's not long before she excuses herself to get their orders and Shirazu's gaze is still on her until she moves to attend other customers. The smile is still there and Urie taps the table, managing to acquire some of Shirazu's attention.

 

            "She's cute."

 

Urie goes to sneak another look at her before replying with barely the upper-corner of his mouth lifted into a smirk; "That's called harassment (though she is)."  

 

The comment makes the other turn to look at Urie - a sharp movement that has caught the attention from some people - before he points an accusatory finger at Urie. "You're just jealous she was talkin' to me and not you."

 

Then Shirazu's eyes flicker briefly to the side and back at Urie. "Was it?" Was his question, but either way, the other squints at Urie, trying to figure out if it was just him trying to get on his nerves.

 

He rolls his eyes, maybe he should evade the topic. It wasn't meant to cause Shirazu any discomfort. Any other person - anyone other than Urie - would've thought that Shirazu was hitting on her with hopes of going further, however, Shirazu was the type of person to follow the 'soulmates' things too seriously.  

 

Urie's already tired of seeing the mark on the other's collarbone - Shirazu's need to use v-neck shirts around the apartment no matter the time of the day is something that he's still wrapping his head around - and no matter how much they try to figure out why he got stuck with numbers rather than a symbol or a name, they've never quite gotten close to figuring out the meaning behind the numbers 'XII-III' 

 

(Though Shirazu claims that symbols don't necessarily need to have any meaning behind them)

 

Whenever the subject was somehow brought up he'd wondered what type of person his soulmate would be and then he'd ask Urie on his opinion. Though in all honesty, Shirazu wasn't even sure if the mark belonged to someone that would acquire platonic feelings or romantic. 

 

Not long after, the same waitress walks back to the table and leaves everything there - and not wasting any time in her job, because she quickly flees with a comment that Urie doesn't care to hear - and Shirazu wastes no time in digging in on the cheesecake. 

 

Urie glances at his cup and settles to take it, drinking it.

 

He wrinkles his nose. It has sugar, just a bit, but it's still there and it tastes sweet. He shoots daggers at the waitress but doesn't make a comment. Shirazu notices his discomfort because he takes the cup from Urie's hand and gulps down what seems like half the cup. 

 

Followed by a loud choking sound and the wincing. Urie thinks that maybe the only reason as to why Shirazu didn't just smash the cup on the floor - what's with the way he was looking it as it were the living epitome of hell and awful things - was because they'd have to pay for it.

 

            " _This is awful!_  how can you drink somethin' like this?!" It's a hushed whisper, full of disbelief and bitterness, but at least he has the common decency - and intelligence - to lower his voice so that it can only be heard by them. 

 

            "Gauges." Is Urie's reply. Not to the current question and Shirazu quickly takes notice of it, sets the cup in Urie's hands once more.

 

His face is the image of overjoyment, and then he rants off about how cool it'd be if Urie got them and how maybe he'd get them too. It slowly derails from gauges to tattoos and then to other things that Urie could care less about but still nonetheless pays attention to. He might not say it or think about it much, but Shirazu being happy and getting that look in his eyes - raw, pure emotion - affects him and showers him in the same emotion that Shirazu is currently feeling. 

 

It just so happens that okay, maybe he does enjoy seeing Shirazu happy - and a a part of him comments on the fact that it's because he made Shirazu happy. 

 

Then Shirazu makes that one comment that stops him dead in his track of thinking about him. 

 

He can feel his eyebrows burrow and he glares daggers at Shirazu. “It's called a mole (you idiot).”

 

At least, he thinks it’s the two moles underneath his left eye, but Shirazu's attention is some place else in his face - head? -  and he stands up from his chair, leans forward and grabs Urie's chin, tilts him to the other side and with his free hand moves some hair out of his way.

 

He feels his eye twitch in annoyance but makes no move to pry the other way. There are eyes on them now.

 

             "You're being delusional, there's nothing there."

 

He doesn't receive an immediate answer from Shirazu and the silence is starting to annoy the living daylights out of him. When he goes to open his mouth again, Shirazu fucking puts his finger on his lips and tells him to shut up and stop moving.

 

He thinks maybe that's the perfect reason to punch the other in the gut and leave him locked out of the apartment, but then he thinks about the fact that this is the last day they'll be in that cruddy apartment and will be moving into a special house made just for them. He doesn't notice Shirazu backing off enough until he grips his shoulder and the blistering idiot smiles all bright and happy like… like-

 

And god he knows that look.

 

             “It's a ma- no... a  _name_! Urie! You've got another soulmate!”

 

            "(Fuck.)"

 

And there's a little part of his brain that just laughs at his misery. Because he doesn't want another soulmate, he’s got one –  _two_ , his brain corrects, and he shoves that back down into the deepest pits of hell – already and he doesn't need yet another person into his life.

 

Then Shirazu sits down, his eyes looking at Urie in a way that seems like he's looking for something out of him - a reaction perhaps? - then there's Shirazu sitting there, eyebrows furrowing and fists clenching in a manner of being furious and vexed. 

 

            "You've got another soulmate... another.." This time he says it like he's coming to terms with it, before he glares at Urie.

 

            "You have another mark and you didn't think I was fuckin' important to not be told? Dude what the fucking hell! I've known you since like forever and this type of shit you ain't just going to ignore like it doesn't exist!"

 

Except that Urie didn't know he had another mark until just what? ten seconds ago? and now Shirazu here is thinking that Urie did know and he never made a comment to Shirazu about it. And he cringes slightly at the realization, right now he's not worried about the mark, he's worried about Shirazu.

 

God, the poor guy probably thinks that he's hiding yet another thing. Urie is never the one to be open about his motives or secrets, though up until now it didn't seem to put a dent on their relationship. Shirazu was the honest and open one, he's the one who offered his shoulder for support if Urie ever needed one - and he never did - and Urie is just not that person in the relationship.

 

He knows that if he spoke now, maybe suggest another place to have this talk - because the attention is drawn on them and he's sure that they'll be asked to leave. At least they can leave with their pride still intact... or whatever is left of it - he could offer an explanation to all of this and then in the way think about what the actual hell is going on.

 

His head's spinning and he feels momentarily sick. Words lack him, frankly.

 

            "I wouldn't doubt if you had another one," Shirazu chuckles bitterly at the thought of it, and Urie really, really doesn't try to flinch but his body isn't feeling cooperative. Whatever attempt to save the situation was thrown down the drain when Shirazu's eyes lighten with surprise and Urie avoids his gaze completely.

 

There's a deadly silence taking place now, and the eyes of the unwanted crowd are making him begin to swell with anger. Not at Shirazu, but at himself and the others, at life, because apparently it was not enough taking his dad away now it needed to severe whatever relationship Shirazu and him held. 

 

Then again, something akin to annoyance was slowly bubbling in his brain. Shirazu's too emotional, he gets carried away rather easily and this shouldn't even be such a big deal! 

 

            "Lets-" Shirazu starts but cuts himself off, takes a deep breath before settling some money of the table and avoiding Urie's gaze. He goes around the table and places his hand on Urie's shoulder, "Let's just go home." 

 

Urie doesn't let Shirazu take him out for lunch in the months to come. 

  

 

 

**//**

            “Three soulmates, huh." Shirazu goes to sit down on the sofa and lets out a low whistle, hands behind his head and eyes looking up at the ceiling. He's got his feet propped up on the coffee table. "Well who’s to say they're romantic partners?” he's referring to the other two and Shirazu is somehow able to calm Urie down a bit - just a little - because he's been itching to pull his hair.

 

At least Shirazu knows about what he's talking about and Urie lets himself warm to the idea that Shirazu might know what to do. It's somewhat disheartening, knowing that for once in his life he's not knowledgeable enough in a problem that he can't fix it himself.

 

Urie doesn't voice his opinions though, the whole day has been exhausting enough as it is.

 

            "Isn't there some way to figure out what sort of bond we-they have?" Urie asks, leaning back on the recliner and covering his eyes with his arm. At least the tension had left once they both got on Shirazu's motorcycle and the ride - while silent - was good to clear his mind a bit.

 

The sound of shuffling followed by silence is his response. Urie counts a full sixty seconds before there's a sigh.

 

"You know, you actually can't." - from here, Urie can hear the frown on Shirazu's face - "Bonds are complicated things, there was actually this theory that platonic bonds were shown by marks and romantic bonds by vision. But it's different for everyone, there are people who are bonded both through marks and vision."

 

It's odd... hearing Shirazu sounding so sure of himself, he knows about what he's talking about. Not that Urie ever has ever doubted his friend's intelligence, but behind the actions led by pure emotion, one tends to forget.

 

            "It's... complicated." He says and Urie rolls his eyes.

 

'Flawed' he wants to say - correct - but instead bites his tongue. Shirazu takes the silence as a means of continuing talking, and Urie is somehow glad. He really can't process a question without feeling like he'll cringe.

 

            "I ain't really sure if it's true, but people claim that if their bond is romantic there's somethin' resemblin' a 'click'."

 

Urie moves his arm and stares doubtfully at Shirazu, who in defence holds up his hands and shrugs.

 

            "Just sayin'." He moves his feet from the table and sets them on the floor, leaning forwards. Something resembling envy flashes across his eyes, " 'sides, why would you complain? You've got three people who will literally do everythin' in their power to make you happy."

 

His voice has a edge to it that Urie pointedly ignores, the words are sort of harsh but Urie can't really seem to care at this point. Hell, he's not even going to complain at his choice of words, he's allowed to be bitter about the fact that him, Urie - who did not believe in all of this soulmate stuff - was the one to get three soulmates while Shirazu's only got him.

 

And he cringes inwardly, because while Urie is not a bad soulmate - if he goes by Shirazu's comments - he is far from being the perfect one, he's mediocre at best. Shirazu deserves way better.

 

He does try to not get mad, to not let the comment get under his skin but the words are out before he can shut his mouth.

 

            "If you're so fucking displeased with our relationship then I welcome you to step out, I'm not going to stop you. I can't say for this little soulmate shit though."

 

His body quickly follows suit in the sour train and he's standing up, ready to march up to his bedroom and not come out until they have to leave tomorrow. But Shirazu's already up and tugging at his wrist with so much force that he actually stumbles back - and he tells himself that it's not because he let himself be pulled back - and then there are arms enveloping in a hug and Shirazu's face nuzzling against his cheek.

 

He thinks that maybe this is life's way of telling him to suck it up and accept what's coming to him. That maybe he shouldn't be so doubtful of how things are supposed to be. Still, he does welcome the contact and does nothing more than humm at Shirazu's reassuring words whispered into his ear.

 

In the end, Urie finds himself curled up on Shirazu - having taking the space between his legs and settling in to just lay with his back pressed to his chest - and closing his eyes as he thought everything through. Sure it was kind of difficult what's with Shirazu's hand running through his scalp softly, he was still humming - Urie can feel the distinct hum from the way it reverberates from his chest and from his chin, resting on top of Urie's head - and while it proves to an extent, sort of distracting, he doesn't complain.

 

It isn't until he feels arms sneak around to hold him ever tighter, does he opens his eyes. Shirazu's stopped humming.

 

            "Stop thinkin'," Urie can almost hear the frown on Shirazu's face. "I can hear your gears turnin'."

 

            "...I didn't mean it (I'm sorry)." He sighs and Shirazu chuckles and Urie finds himself leaning more into Shirazu's chest.

 

If anyone would've told him before that he'd end up with a soulmate and that the name on his wrist belonged to one of the most annoying people in the world, he would've found the whole situation ridicilous. Yet here he was, being held by Shirazu and cuddling - because that's what they're doing and the fact that it feels so normal as if it were breathing should be concerning, but it's not - and actually enjoying it.

 

Actually, if someone would've told him he would have a soulmate, he'd believed himself to be the big spoon. Then again, luck has never been on his side has it?

 

            "Don't worry 'bout it, I kinda fucked up too."

 

            "You always do." He lets a smile tug at his lips, doesn't miss the way Shirazu tenses slightly.

 

            "See, you're ruinin' the mood, dude. Just shut up." Shirazu laughs and tries to nudge Urie's forehead - bending in their position seems to be quite difficult give the fact that they're on the couch.

 

Urie squirms on his spot just to spite him and when Shirazu holds him tighter he can't help but enjoy the warmness that radiates from Shirazu. They're silent for what seems like hours, at one point they end up dozing off and when they wake up, it's a silent agreement to get some sleep on their rooms before they have to leave.

 

It's at exactly 2:34pm that they both head to their respective room, and before he can enter his, Shirazu tells him to wait.

 

            "Ah, I- Do.... do ya wanna know?"

 

It doesn't take more than two seconds for Urie to realize what Shirazu's speaking about, and his lips thin out. There's something uncomfortable about knowing whose name is written on his skin - like a permanent tattoo that will decide your future - so in reality, right now, he's not too keen on knowing.

 

(Possibly never in fact.)

 

He closes his door and hopes that the silence is enough of an answer.

 

And he doesn't know if it's because Shirazu takes pity on him or something, but he promises to take Urie somewhere to cover the mark and they can just forget that it was even there – and Urie really really loves him, because he knows how into this sort of thing Shirazu is and covering up something that's part of him is something he's not fond of, but Shirazu can sense his distress and he's willing to forget ever seeing it – and that means that they've resolved one of the two problems.

 

And that's something at least.

 

In the end he doesn't get it covered, his hair is long enough to cover it and Shirazu never told him what name was scribbled there. So he figures it's in another language then his 'soulmate' might not ever find him.

 

(Which really only leaves him with the other mark he has on his chest, but that one he keeps covered and Shirazu does not ask him to show him, so he doesn't even mention it again.)

 

 

**//**

 As it turns out, by the time they meet the others, Urie's realized that the group is nothing more than a bunch of losers that will hold him back down from achieving anything. Which quite frankly, he can't tolerate. Haise has them both sitting down and eagerly waiting for the other two to arrive and Urie really really does not give a shit and he wants to stand up and leave.

 

Alas, life's never been fair to him, so no. He wasn't surprised - or joyful, like Shirazu claims soulmates feel when their destined one arrives - when upon Sasaki saying the other two's names, the marks - both of them - start to burn, as a reminder that they're there. 

 

Saiko Yonebashi's a female who's by far the shortest of them all. Messy blue hair tied up in two abundant ponytails and a body type that is not fit to be part of the team, because extra weight does nothing more than endanger her and the others - he goes and adds more because as it turns out she's got no real interest in all of this and spends her time in her bedroom locked up playing videogames, and his mind quickly places the word 'NEET' and he leaves it at that - and dark bags under her eyes, he assumes she gets no sleep. 

 

Tooru Mutsuki's plain, boring. A mess of uncertainty and low self-steem that radiates in the most obnoxious ways, emerald eyes that do not hold contact for long but have this defiance in them that gets Urie's attentions just a little bit. Green hair to match, he's wearing an eyepatch. Huh. And also, he's too nice, too friendly and if he's a younger version of Sasaki, then Urie makes no comment on it. (It does however, mean that he'll be keeping his distance with this one)

 

Still, the burning is more bothersome than actually painful. He instantly decides that no, he doesn't want to deal with this bullshit and stands up from what is most likely going to be a get-to-know-each-other hour and walks out the door without another word.

 

It's sort of a breather that in months to come, the idiots simply let him be and he doesn't have to see their faces all that much. He's not too fond of the idea of coming to find out who exactly it is that's triggering this  _need_  to just be close to them (He knows this feeling all too well and it annoys him that it's not Shirazu the one causing it) . For all he knows it might be Saiko or Tooru or-

 

(Then he thinks of Haise being his soulmate and he decides that he'd rather be eaten alive by ghouls.) 

 

In the months to come too, Urie finds himself being threatened by Shirazu by his less-than-questionable actions. He's very open on the fact that he finds that their squad-leader is nothing more than incompetent. He does not get how the idiot seems to gain praise and the occasional fear-driven look from others. 

 

Though, he had ought to see it coming sooner or later. He does ask Shirazu if it's because of something that he has yet to comment on.

 

The avoidance of his eyes is enough of an answer and their relationship feels weird, all of the sudden. (No, it feels like betrayal because Shirazu shouldn't defend their squad-leader with the same intensity in his gaze and his actions like how when he defends Urie, even with the most smallest things. He hates how it makes his skin crawl and how it feels like Shirazu's picking him over Urie.)

 

~~(Over his soulmate.)~~

 

It's sort of ironic and in the end Urie leaves it at that.

 

At least the click never registers, so he guesses he's safe. For now.

  

 

 

**//**

 The events following the Auction mopping-up operation are nothing more than a blur to him. When he - _they_  - gets promoted it's something that just slips even further into the darkest part of his mind. All that's left of the memories is the bitter reminder that he needs to improve, that he needs to get  _better_  and  _stronger_. It tastes, at the back of his throat, like something raw and putrid.

 

(It certainly  _doesn't_  smell putrid because he was almost swallowed alive, because he lost control of himself, because for a fleeting, small moment, he felt fear. Because he was pathetic and weak and useless and he was-)

 

He also would like to forget it. Because when the idiot manages to take out his kagune, Urie's a crying mess being held together by Mutsuki's arms and  _oh so fragile_ , his body had felt so weak and resigned with pent-up emotions that didn't give him any warning before they spilled. He was drowning.

 

Drowning and not feeling like even trying to get back up, to swim to the surface higher and  _higher -_

 

(He notices, through tear-filled eyes that Mutsuki's neck sports his name. And it's enough to make him relax and decide that if he's to drown, as long as it's in  _his_  arms with  _his_  breathing on his neck and the sweet coos delivered to his ears and ears only, then he'd gladly tie a boulder to his ankle just to  _sink._ ) 

 

But of course, he blames it all on his outburst (the trying to forget part). Because Mutsuki doesn't talk about it and Urie certainly does not even try to bring it up. In fact, he doesn't even bother to stick around the house unless they need to discuss something important, and even then he comes in, sits down and then leaves after he knows that there is nothing more important to inform.

 

He doesn't even bother to look at Mutsuki, or Shirazu for that matter ( who's apparently too busy trying to form some sort of idiotic bond with their squad leader, and if Shirazu's been acting weird for the last couple of weeks then Urie never notices, because that line was crossed a long time ago and in all honesty he has no desperate need to fix whatever it was that happened between them. ) and instead makes himself paint, and when that doesn't work, he starts to work out.

 

Working out, it helps clear his mind from anything else that's not along the lines of 'get better' 'get stronger' because other thoughts - thoughts like Mutsuki's neck, or the way that when he says Urie's name he gets a warm feeling in his gut and how he starts to crave touch - are worthless.

 

He's used to finding the house alone when he comes back from working out. Usually Sasaki is always out and Saiko is locked up in her room. The only two he sees sometimes around the house are Shirazu and Mutsuki, but something tells him that Shirazu's presence is not in the house.

 

(Maybe with Sasaki)

 

There is however, laughter. Familiar laughter.

 

(Laughter that makes his stomach do something weird and his lips thin out.)

 

Apparently he'll have to face Mutsuki if he wants to claim the kitchen for a couple of minutes. Not that it should prove to be a particular hard task in fact, he just needs to walk in, get whatever it is that he needs and then walk out. There's certainly no need to even maintain eye contact or hold any conversation with the green-haired male -and he knows that Mutsuki isn't stupid enough to  _still_  seek any sort of bond with him, he briefly recalls the days after the christmas diner. Never again would Urie do anything that bastard asked him to do, apparently his service meant to Mutsuki that he was in a good position to try and befriend Urie - and whoever it was that's with him.

 

Because the smell hits him the instant he sets another foot forward and he almost manages to lose his composure, a frown clearly edging its way into his forehead. He clicks his tongue and casually resumes his walk, rounding the corner and heading towards the kitchen. Urie doesn't do much than take a quick look towards the living room before his eyes are centered on the fridge.

 

He's not really surprised to have found Suzuya with Mutsuki on the living room - seeing as their superior has been spending an awful lot of time now at their house ever since Mutsuki's been training with them and Haise's constant need to have people over - and the fact that he could have smelled them the instant he came home, did nothing more to him than have a vague curiosity as to their position.

 

He opens the fridge and looks around for his water bottle - noticing that it's almost empty, someone needs to go out to buy the groceries soon -  and when he doesn't find it let's out a sigh. Closing the fridge, he leans on it and pinches the bridge of his nose. Someday, he's going to push every single idiot living in this house off of a bridge for touching his stuff.

 

Then his mind wanders to the image he has of Mutsuki and Suzuya on the living room, Suzuya in between Mutsuki's legs, his back pressed flushed to the green-haired male's chest and arms extended. Mutsuki was holding out a needle with string and looking extremely nervous.

 

It takes Urie a quick second to realize that his bottle of water is sitting right next to Mutsuki.

 

He takes a deep breath before prowling towards the living room. The first one to notice him is of course Suzuya - Mutsuki's still rambling with shaking hands - who simply turns to the side to look at Urie, who's made himself comfortable leaning against one of the couches. Suzuya blinks before they give him a carefree smile.

 

They, however don't say anything on his arrival and takes one of Mutsuki's hands.

 

            "It's just a needle. Stop talking and get it in." Suzuya sounds amused, and tugs at Mutsuki's hands a bit closer to his pale skin. Urie watches with slight interest as Mutsuki mumbles for an excuse and tries to tug back.

 

            " _Tooru_." Urie calls out and Mutsuki jumps from his spot, turns around to look at Urie - and Urie certainly doesn't miss the way his eyes widen with clear confusion on them, or the way his heart thumps loudly when he realizes that Tooru is  _looking_  at him - and naturally, Suzuya takes this distraction to guide Mutsuki's hand - the one with the needle and the red string - and bury the needle in his skin.

 

Any other day, Urie might've found Mutsuki's reaction amusing at best, but right now he's not really in a big mood to see him freaking out over what seems like having their superior make him stitch a design onto his skin with a needle and string. Right now, his eyes are boring deep into Mutsuki's green ones.

 

Suzuya's still manipulating Mutsuki's hand and guiding the needle in and out, he's humming a soft tune that Urie doesn't recognize. 

 

            "I, um, yes Urie?" Whatever hesitation in his voice is easily overpowered by the confusion. It's perfectly normal and Urie finds it sort of nice, yes, let him be confused over the fact that Urie's talking to him. It means that Mutsuki's not expecting this sort of thing to happen any time sooner.

 

Urie glances at the water bottle, half-full, and clicks his tongue. "That's mine."

 

            "What?" Mutsuki frowns and tilts his head to the side, - Urie pointedly ignores the way his green locks, now shorter, follow suit and reveal  _his_  name on his neck, so bright and  _burning_  - "What's yours?"

 

            "Mucchan, scissors." Suzuya comments, doesn't bother taking their eyes off from the new design on their arm - they even level it up to look at it from another perspective - and then when Mutsuki looks around for the scissors and hands it to them, he cuts the thread with a snap.

 

Juuzou hums contently and Urie levels his gaze towards the bottle. " _That._ " 

 

Mutsuki's eyes widen and when he opens his mouth to say something that's most likely going to be an apology but it's cut off by Juuzou who stands up and walks towards Urie.

 

It's not until they're standing in front of Urie and holding out their arm, that Urie blinks and realizes that he's been staring at Mutsuki's neck for quite a while. And Suzuya apparently doesn't know what personal space is. 

 

            "What do you think?" Red eyes flicker between Urie and the design on his arm, something that Urie really doesn't give a shit about. "I'm trying to convince Mutsuki to let me decorate his, he's a scaredy cat though, which is too bad."

 

The look he gives Suzuya is nothing short of annoyance, but the other simply looks at him with big eyes that expect an honest answer. In all honesty, he just wants to say some half-assed reply and get his bottle and finally leave. But he's looking at Suzuya's wrist and notices that Mutsuki's name is written there like it belongs.

 

It doesn't take a genius to know that a similar marking is marked on Mutsuki's skin.

 

Urie still flickers his gaze towards Mutsuki, who's standing up and picking up the bottle. "I'm sorry, Juuzou took it earlier I-I didn't know it was yours. I can buy you another one I-"

 

He can feel his jaw tighten with each passing second, and when Mutsuki's hand is extended to give him the bottle he can see not only Suzuya's name on his wrist, but about three more. All lined up after each other, and then his name on his neck. 

 

If Mutsuki notices his staring, he doesn't comment on it. Urie's always been one to observe and not talk a lot, but his gaze is making Mutsuki uncomfortable. Urie can tell by the way he shifts on his foot. Besides Tooru, Suzuya's dropped his arm and is staring between the two with a knowing look.

 

Urie ignores Suzuya's presence for the meantime.

 

He's too concentrated on the emotions surging through him, they are not pleasant. 

 

He shouldn't feel so... _jealous_  of the thought of having to share Mutsuk- no. No.  _No_ , those thoughts aren't his! Why should he care how many people Mutsuki's going to meet, soulmates are bullshit fairy tales. He doesn't need to care about an idiot who can barely defend himself, it's just pathetic to even think about it.

 

It also doesn't feel like anything Shirazu's ever told him of these weird marks... there's no click, there's nothing resembling how he felt with Shirazu when they first met. There's only a burning that's becoming increasingly bothersome... But Shirazu and him were friends... what are Suzuya and Mutsuki?

 

Why... why is he even curious? He doesn't... this isn't-

 

            "Um, Urie?" Mutsuki says, and Urie blinks. Mutsuki's rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. The bottle is still in his hold and Urie tries to concentrate on the bottle.

 

Not on his name at the back of Mutsuki's neck, not at Mutsuki's name on the back of his neck. Certainly not at the fact that Suzuya has his name on Mutsuki's perfect wrist.

 

Bottle. Water. Half-empty.

 

Yes, he... "Don't worry about it." He yanks the bottle away from Mutsuki's hand and starts to trudge towards his bedroom.

 

Its not until he's locked himself in his room and leans on the door that he realizes that he's crushed the water bottle. The liquid's running down his arms, his body feels heavy. The mark on his neck (and the one on his chest but he ignores it) burns and the feelings are still not leaving.

 

            " _Fuck._ " He throws the bottle away, noticing how it doesn't even bring the smallest drop of satisfaction when it hits something with an audible 'thud' , and runs both hands through his face and hair.

 

He needs Shirazu. 

 

 _No_. He grunts and rubs his face even more,  _he doesn't need Shirazu_.

 

He's still not quite certain if he's ready to go back to how things were before the huge fight. A part of Urie still feels guilty, because he manipulated Shirazu into believing that Sasaki was just using them. But he needed Shirazu to be devoted into helping him, without questioning. Half of him - looking at his actions now - feels like he was being an entire asshole - no surprise here, he might be flawed as hell but even he can tell - when he lied like that, but another part was still stubbornly resisting the guilt. 

 

_It was necessary._

 

Either way, Urie doesn't stay leaning on the door for long to ponder on his actions, it happened a couple of months back already. It's history, he can't change it. He does however, move to gather some sweatpants and a tank top, underwear and his towel before making his way towards the bathroom.

 

He doesn't look in the direction of the living room, but he knows that Mutsuki and Suzuya are still sitting there. He tells himself that the burning of the mark(s) is related to the after-math of his heavy workout routines and not because he needs to be near Mutsuki.

 

Or Juuzou.

 

Or Shirazu.

 

He doesn't need anybody really, when he joined the Q's he wasn't expecting to get past acquaintances status with every single one of them, if maybe Shirazu - but all in all that's a whole different case - and only him, yet here he was. Burning up because for the first time in months, he's finally managed to look at Mutsuki and not give in to the need to  _touch_.

 

(He wants to, he  _needs_  to touch him, have him close enough that he can count the eyelashes on those beautiful eyes of his. So big and open,  _so-_ )

 

If he closes the bathroom door too hard, he doesn't notice. He's too busy getting his clothes off to get rid of the burning. He's sweating and maybe (and just maybe) missing the closeness, the way Mutsuki's fingers brushed across his when he handed him the bott-

 

Urie shakes his head, steps into the shower and slowly evens out his breathing. He turns the cold water on, and when it doesn't help, he switches it until it's burning hot on his skin.

 

It's still not enough to erase the lingering feeling of Mutsuki's touch. In the end, Urie just simply doesn't care. 

 

He's content enough with simply remembering the coos, the promises. 

 

(He also doesn't bother to hide from his own self that maybe, he's avoided Mutsuki like the plague because he's afraid of seeing Mutsuki pity him. However, it's been the first time in months since the event happened, and the first thing Mutsuki's eyes gave away was nothing more than confusion and relief.

 

It wasn't pity, and he's grateful for it.)

 

In the end when he comes out of his shower and his skin feels blissfully hot and steam pours off of his body. Everyone is already having dinner. As expected, the moment he passes by the living room, Sasaki calls out to him.

 

As expected, Urie ignores him.

  

 

_//_

 It takes approximately a week of Urie ditching breakfast, dinner and lunch before Shirazu barges in into Urie's bedroom. 

 

Urie'll be lying if he says that he's particularly bothered by the fact that the idiot barged in without even knocking first. But it's Shirazu, and he does whatever he wants, even if it's bothersome for Urie. Though Urie's not able to see him, he's lying on his bed with the back to the door and facing the wall.

 

He's been like that for a while too. Not that he cares.

 

            "You fuckin' piece of shit!" Shirazu yells and before Urie can understand what's happening. He's being dragged off of the bed by the back of his shirt. He doesn't get to defend himself before he's landing on the floor, a curse flies out of his mouth and Shirazu punches him.

 

It's silent, and the punch was not hard to begin with. It still creates the effect of shock, and Urie can feel the snarl on his face. He turns his black eyes to look at Shirazu and clenches his fists.

 

            " _What?_ " He hisses out. Shirazu's left eye twitches and the next punch, Urie's able to predict, so he dodges it and pushes Shirazu back.

 

            "What?  _What?!_  You've been locked up here for a whole  _week_  you asshole! Don't you 'what' me!" Shirazu's fuming now, Urie can tell that the ginger is merely trying to hold back his punches. Urie doesn't blame him, they do this at times.

 

It might not be the healthiest way to show just how pissed off they are at each other. But it certainly does the work when it's needed. Plus, it's not like they really try to hurt each other while they do it, it's just a message when words don't work. 

 

(At least, that's Urie's way because Shirazu is very vocal about his feelings.)

 

            "..." Urie grits his teeth and makes a move to stand up. When he does he, he notices that his legs feel oddly wobbly and everything he's smelling is Shirazu and it's making him dizzy. It's probably the good kind, maybe, he doesn't know he doesn't-

 

Just.

 

Shirazu pulls him back down, and Urie lets out a sound that sounds close to a whine. He doesn't protest when Shirazu pulls him closer, doesn't say anything when he finds warm hands enclosing on his wrist, tight, telling him that he's not going to leave.

 

But still, Urie's stronger than Shirazu, if he wants to he can leave and not have to deal with all of these emotions. Because he's missed this, this feeling of neediness that's familiar and comforting. The scent that Shirazu holds, that's so him.

 

(And yes, he can pull away, but he doesn't want to. Not now.)

 

            " _No._  You know what? Fuck you Urie,  _fuck you_. You ain' gonna walk outta of this room until you realize that not everything centers around you! You have me -  _all of us_  - worried sick because you're not comin' out of you room unless it's to work out and even that's stopped being a thing!" Urie tries to keep his face as apathetic as he can, easy feat done.

 

The problem is, that his eyes are a dead-giveaway and have always been. Today particularly, he can't will himself to just close himself up. It's so hard when all he can think about is Shirazu and his scent and the hand on his wrist, all so familiar and burning.

 

            "Not everythin' is about you! I let you be an ass for a whole year now Urie, fine, I thought that  _maybe_  you needed space because I  _know you_. So I gave you space and what do you do? You don't even bother to show if you've actually missed me! You don't  _look_  for me, you don't ask me how  _I_  feel. This isn't about us being fucking soulmates or any of that shit, this is about the fact that you're a  _huge_  idiot who can't realize that people  _actually_  care for ya! bond or not! It hurts  _me_  to see  _you_  suffer _."_

 

Urie opens his mouth to argue, he's  _not_  suffering he's-

 

 _"No._  Just- just,  _shut up_. Okay just-" Shirazu groans, "It's my job to see it to you that you're happy, that you're treatin' yourself right!  _You look like utter shit_! I can  _feel_  it, we're connected. You've been sufferin' and not seekin' out for help. Where do you think that'll get ya?  _huh?"_

 

Urie finds himself shifting on the spot, he's not really sure if he wants to keep listening to Shirazu anymore. (A part of him hisses out that  _Shirazu's right, that's why he doesn't want to listen. Because he's right and has **always**  been right._)

 

            "What you're doing Urie, running away from everything, from me, from Mutsu-"

 

Urie cuts him off with an intake of breath, his eyes narrow at the name and he's pulling against the hand on his wrist, " _He_  doesn't have anything to do with  _this_." The words come out harsh and cold.

 

Shirazu blinks, and then he's looking at Urie like he's the biggest doofus on earth. Anger and something akin to exhaustion reflects on his eyes and in his anger, Urie wonders why Shirazu looks so down. So scared, so  _dubious._

 

Of course, he doesn't get to linger on that thought much longer. 

 

            " _Mutsuki,_  does in fact have everythin' to do with  _this_! He's worried sick and you won't talk to any of us! Urie don't pretend that you haven't seen it! He doesn't hide  _it_ , he doesn't come talking to you! And all because he fucking knows how uncomfortable all of this makes you! But he's trying, trying to get you to open up because it  _affects_  him to look at you like this! He's-"

 

            "How do you know about all of that?" Urie growls out, his lips thin out and he squints at Shirazu. The feeling he felt when Suzuya was in the chateau last week comes bubbling up and he digs his nails into the palm of his hand.

 

It takes twenty seconds for Shirazu to reply. He spent the time looking at Urie and when he speaks, his voice holds no emotion, no sign of anything that's Shirazu. "We  _talk_  Urie. We talk about you, he  _listens_  to me."

 

He doesn't know if he's suddenly angry at the fact that Shirazu and Mutsuki talked about him, about the mark Mutsuki and him share. Or maybe it's the fact that Mutsuki knew and never said anything.

 

Hell, Shirazu _knew_  the name on his neck was Mutsuki's and never told him. Probably told Mutsuki, which, as much as Urie doesn't want to think about, somehow bothers him. 

 

            "( _Don't talk to him, just don't._ )" The words almost leave his tongue, but he pushes it back. He can't find himself liking the idea of Shirazu ( and Juuzou, and the other two people in Mutsuki's wrist being close to him, it's just  _not_  fair.) and Mutsuki bonding, bonding over him.

 

Over the fact that he's purposely pushed everyone away, everyone that Shirazu  _claims_  to care about him.

 

            "... You're-" Shirazu leans closer, and it's so close that all Urie can smell is him and he doesn't like it ( because it makes him feel all overly affectionate, it drowns him in it and right now he wants to swim,  ~~ _to get away_~~  ) "You envy me."

 

Urie blinks. That's... that's- "No.  _You're wrong_ , you don't know what you're talking about."

 

He excuses himself, really, because for some reason the word sticks to his brain and it sounds right. But he doesn't want to admit it to himself. He's envious of Shirazu, because he's able to talk to Mutsuki, be near Mutsuki (Urie's actually found them both watching movies together, sometimes Juuzou present.) and just have Mutsuki's attention on him. 

 

Hell, even Juuzou gets physical contact. Something that Urie's been craving, now that he really thinks about it.

 

Still, he's not too keen on admitting it out loud. It's not that he needs to, because Shirazu already knows.

 

            "No. Urie, I'm not. Hell, you know it. It... it makes sense. Mutsuki commented on it, the way you were looking at Suzuya when you found 'em together. You're envious, you..." Shirazu blinks, and his eyes glaze over with pity. "Urie, there's no one to blame here, you're doing this to yourself."

 

Urie doesn't realize he's been muttering  _'you're wrong, wrong, wrongwrongwrong'_ over and over ( Like a chant, like something that can protect him from the bitter truth ) until Shirazu pulls him close, hugs him and doesn't let him move. Runs his hands through Urie's scalp the way Urie adores.

 

He doesn't say anything, there's no need for words.

 

It might have been an hour, maybe just five minutes, but then Shirazu speaks and starts to pull away. To stand up, leaves Urie on the floor where he's looking at him and silently pleading him to come back.

 

            "Look, I'm not gonna force you to come with me, but Saiko's gonna join  _us_  to watch a movie later, and you're invited."  _'us'_  Mutsuki and him (hopefully not Sasaki), and Urie knows that there's more behind those words.

 

He knows that if he chooses to accept the invitation, it means that he's willing to start to open up, to confine Shirazu with his feelings, to  _listen back_  in return and just be there for him. It means he's supposed to talk to Mutsuki and see where  _that_  goes.

 

He wants to make himself think that that's a horrible option, but god has he missed Shirazu and he's losing him already,  _too quickly._  

 

 _I'm sorry_. He looks at Shirazu, and hopes that Shirazu understands.

 

But Shirazu shakes his head, and a sad smile is reflected on his eyes.

 

_No. You're not._

 

Then he walks out.

 

_'you're doing this to yourself.'_

 

It's the only thing in his mind for the remaining hours of the day. When it's 7pm, he comes to the conclusion that Shirazu's right. He's the one doing this to himself, he's being selfish and idiotic.

 

It takes a whole great deal of willpower to not turn back when he comes out later and stands in the entrance of the living room. Saiko's claimed the couch for herself - a cocoon of blankets and sweets that make his nose scrunch up - while Shirazu tries to take what little space he can. Mutsuki's sitting on the floor, a blanket of his own around his shoulder.

 

Urie sits down on the floor, next to the coffee-table and nowhere near Shirazu or Mutsuki. No one says anything, but he certainly doesn't miss the smile that draws out on Mutsuki's lips when he glances at Urie.

  

 

 

**//**

He's not sure, but there's something about dropping a routine that he's gotten himself accustomed to is harder than it needs to be. It also, makes his thoughts disoriented and he can't seem to concentrate on more than two things. 

 

(Though he knows, _he knows,_ that it's only been the first week and things will easily settle back to normal.)

 

So, Urie tries to be positive. Because he made a promise to Shirazu - Maybe, not whole heartedly and well thought out (after all he was acting on the moment, because he didn't want  _him_  gone  _again_ ) but it still is a promise - and it would just feel wrong to not hold up his end.

 

Not that before he would've cared. The Urie from a year ago would've simply continued with his life as normal, because Urie doesn't do favors, especially when it means he has to put his time behind to make way for another person's time. But then, he doesn't complain because he knows - as much as he'd like to deny - that simply being near Shirazu affects him.

 

All good in fact, he sleeps incredibly. He feels more complete, more alive, he  _needs_  Shirazu and Shirazu needs  _him_. Which makes a tiny, selfish part of his brain so happy. (Because there's no one else who can make Shirazu feel complete, whole, no one else but Urie. Then he thinks,  _maybe his other soulmate_ because they hold a spot on Shirazu's body as well and he'll have to _share.)_

 

And happiness is good, is extremely good.

 

So he might have stopped working out for the favor of staying with Shirazu in his bedroom and falling asleep to hands that lightly run through his scalp. He might also have become more demanding of Shirazu's touch and affection because it feels good.

 

It's the sort of feeling he only gets with Shirazu, the type of feeling he didn't know he missed until he lost it - no, until he stopped seeking it - and then got it again. Although it's not like Shirazu complains, he's rather happy about it too.

 

He doesn't comment if Urie starts to walk closer to him, to the point where their shoulders need to constantly touch. He doesn't mind that Urie holds his hand at random times. (Except once, Shirazu made a comment saying that Urie reminded him of a cat and Urie promptly punched him.)

 

He ponders on all of this the whole morning - or early morning, it's somewhere around 5:34am and he can't go back to sleep - as he stares at the dark ceiling of Shirazu's bedroom. Behind him, Shirazu's softly snoring. He doesn't recall when exactly they doze off, but the night was a specially heavy one with feelings and lots of questions.

 

Questions, that if they'd been asked by Shirazu, Urie would have not answered. Then again, it's Shirazu and when Urie finally asked him if he was okay - because Urie might act like he doesn't care, but he's not blind to notice that sometimes Shirazu's smiles seemed to be forced, that sometimes, his eyes glazed over with such a sad look on them,  _distant_.) Shirazu looked at him, shocked, and then with tear-filled eyes.

 

Of course, the answers he received weren't complete, not that they needed to be. Urie was able to quickly place together and tie whatever suspicions and theories he had. 

 

(In the end, the words that ended up haunting him were the ones that Shirazu said before breaking down. 

 "I- I can't do it Urie. I can't use her as my weapon, it  _feels_  wrong... I- I'm just so  _empty._ " )

 

And he, Urie, looked at him, crumbling, broken pieces. Watched as Shirazu fell apart, everything so overwhelming because he didn't know what to do, he was lost, unguided. It was, the most disturbing feeling, watching Shirazu break down and him being the one responsible to put the pieces back together...

 

Except Urie didn't know, because if he tried to  _grasp_ , tried to fix the pieces, they, _they broke more_ , they ran down his fingers like water like  _water_ , inky black and not solid.

 

And it's wrong, because Shirazu is the one keeping him afloat and if Shirazu's broken then Urie doesn't have anything to hold on to, there's nothing but drowning from there, drowning into depths that are cold and warm and uncomfortable and burning, painful. 

 

He, he  _doesn't_  know how to deal with that-

 

He gulps, the sound so loud in contrast to the otherwise silent room, and then he breathes out. Shaky. He just notices that he's having a hard time breathing ( and his brain hisses out  _useless, useless useless useles-_ ) and then he's standing up and looking for the doorknob.

 

He tries, he  _really_  tries to ignore the way his body is beginning to feel so useless, so heavy with guilt. He ends up locking the door behind him and taking off his shirt, the hallway seems too hot, to warm.

 

He doesn't like the warmth unless it's Shirazu (or Mutsuki, his brain supplies and he ignores,  _he ignores it._ ) and this is scalding hot and burning, he needs  _cold_ , he needs water-

 

 _Yes, water._  He throws the shirt somewhere and stumbles through the hallway, he doesn't stop until he's inside the bathroom and turning on the water and he lets out a hiss, because the water is so good so good but it's not enough-

 

 _it's not enough_ , the burning is still present and it settles on his stomach and it  _claws,_  it makes it's way through his body in a white-searing pain and it doesn't leave, _god why isn't it leaving?_

 

(Useless, pathetic, weak _weak weak weakweakweak)_

 

 _"Urie?"_  The voice,  - it's a voice and it sounds angelic, it sound like warmth (the good kind) and goodness. It sounds like  _completion_  - he registers through the water, through his shakes and his whimpers - he's... he's  _whimpering_!  _Him!_

 

It makes him mad, that this soulmate business is turning him into this insecure mess that feels like a failure if he doesn't comfort Shirazu, if he fails him. But no, that's not the most biggest thing about all of this, it's about the fact that he's failing on something as simple as comforting, that he's being yet again useless.

 

(Useless to be able to defend himself, useless because he's only gotten where he is because of an operation, turning him into a half-monster, useless because he was too much of an ass to comfort Shirazu when he needed him and now all he has are broken pieces, expected to be fixed by him because he failed he-)

 

There are hands, hands pulling him out of the shower and he hisses, groans, tries to twist away. It should not be possible for the hands to pull him out with so much ease, he's strong and heavy but the person manages to do so anyways. He briefly wonders if he even put much of a fight.

 

But _no_ , he, he wants to go back to cold water because  _this hurts_. Take him backtake him back.

 

 _"I know, I know, ssh."_ He's being pulled into a hug, and the water's dripping down, his face ends up on someone's chest and he inhales, and exhales. He does it again. It's good, it's nice it's familiar, it smells of comfort. And it feels wrong, Shirazu's the one in need of comfort, not him,  _not him_.

 

He's selfish, really selfish. Because he doesn't want the person to let go, he wants to inhale their scent and drown on it. In the end, he ceases struggling and gives in.

 

(Because it is  _so much_  nicer than drowning in pain and failure.) 

 

 There are fingers running down his wet hair, they run down his neck and stay where the mark is, but all Urie is aware of is how nice it feels, how-  _oh_. The other hand, now sits on his chest, and it stays there. He leans into the touch. He likes this.

 

 "Mutsuki." He tastes the name on his tongue and absolutely adores the way he can feel how it brings the shiver to run down the green-haired male's back, it is delightful. He can feel the weight on his shoulder start to ease up, and he swallows his pride when it threatens to come back. 

 

(He shouldn't be on the floor soaking wet and shaking like a leaf, so pitiful and weak, but then he is and there's nothing wrong with it.) 

 

 _"_ Are you okay? I, I felt you getting... _distressed."_ Mutsuki hesitates on the word, as if it's foreign to associate the term with Urie ( and he feels vaguely satisfied with it ), then he sighs. "I'm sorry, no, that... that was a stupid question."

 

 _"Mutsuki."_ He repeats, clings to the present, to what's happening now.

 

 _"_ "Mutsuki." He breathes out and feels more alive, more grounded on earth and not drowning in the bad water. He swims, Mutsuki keeps him afloat.

 

It takes him a while, but when he's finally able to feel himself come back together, more solid and stable, he pulls away. He's soaked Mutsuki and there's a puddle of water beneath them, but he doesn't care. He blinks, and realizes that this is the first time he's seen Mutsuki without his eyepatch.

 

He's not going to lie, it's overwhelming and somewhat odd. Mutsuki's eyes are so big and open, so green and beautiful, and there's two of them,  _two_  - and he really,  _really_  wants to stare at them and memorize them, paint them, but he knows, _oh he knows_ , he won't be able to capture their essence on a portrait. He settles for looking at them now. 

 

It takes a him a minute to realize that Mutsuki's on his pajamas - a shirt that's too big on him, it curves on the middle of his chest, dips, but it's barely noticeable - and his hair's a mess. 

 

"I woke you up." He breathes out.

 

Mutsuki blinks, "I... I think. Yeah."

 

Urie only realizes because Mutsuki said something about him feeling Urie getting  _distressed_. It doesn't sound surprising in the slightest, sometimes he's aware of Shirazu's feelings when they cloud the ginger's mind completely, it's overwhelming and it only happens when it's bad thoughts. He wonders briefly if Shirazu might have felt it - his freaking out - but then again, he only does notice when he's awake.

 

Which means that Mutsuki (probably) wasn't sleeping to begin with. He doesn't mention it though, simply stares and doesn't say anything else. How come he had missed Shirazu's slow spiral into depression and insecurity in those months? surely what happened last night wasn't just a one-day thing. It was building up and left him like a mess in Urie's hands.

 

(In Urie's opinion, the  _worst_  thing Shirazu could've done but he loves him, he loves Urie so much.)

 

He finally settles with the thought that it was because he was ignoring this, the feelings, the responsibility of having to care about someone else, to divide his attention and his love and everything that's him with another person, it should scare him - it still does, not as prominent but lingering - but instead it brings satisfaction. Knowing that he makes Shirazu whole.

 

He lets the silence sit for a bit longer, he likes the silence. It's comfortable, it isn't heavy and he thinks that maybe Mutsuki's thinking out what to say, organizing his questions or comments. Urie doesn't miss the way his green eyes flicker to his mark, and they glaze over with recognition.

 

"I didn't mean to (I'm sorry I woke you up.)"

 

 _"_ You've got another mark. Like mine."

 

Urie cringes and reflectively covers the mark with his hand, feeling naked and exposed right now - despite the fact that the only thing he's missing is his shirt - and Mutsuki stutters, eyes wide and ears flushing.

 

 _"_ Uh, I- sorry!  _Sorry!_  bad question, um, not, don't-  _just._  Oh god I'm sorry. _"_ He almost looks like he wants to flee, his eyes do flicker briefly to the side, looking for an escape. But then he stops talking, and simply stays there.

 

Urie can tell that he's starting to get anxious, he starts to fidget with the hem of his shirt but doesn't make a move to leave.

 

He looks at Urie and smiles, tiny, insecure. (It's not a good look on him) "That was rude, I meant to ask if you're okay... now."

 

Urie stares.

 

 _"_ I mean, you look fine now, so I guess you're okay. Ah-" He licks his lips, Urie's eyes lock on his mouth and his throat feels dry all of the sudden. "Do you... do you want to talk about it?"

 

There's a hopeful shine to his green eyes, combined with fear ( fear of rejection, from Urie's part ) and Urie realizes now why he hasn't left. Mutsuki sees this as progress, because Shirazu and him are already starting to go back to how things are, Urie hasn't bothered to start working on what he and Mutsuki share. Mutsuki knows, and he's being respectful and not demanding Urie's attention. 

 

He's asking Urie for permission, permission to enter all that is him.

 

"No. I don't." Urie says, cringes inwardly when Mutsuki deflates a bit, then he gulps and continues; "But thank you... for um asking."

 

It's weird having to thank Mutsuki, but it just feels right. 

 

In the end it's all worth it when Mutsuki's smile wavers, then turns into a full-fledge one. Relief, calmed. 

 

            "Can I walk you to Shirazu's room?" When Urie raises an eyebrow, Mutsuki explains, " I, um looked for you in your room and didn't find you there. I was going to check on Shirazu's room but then I saw your shadow come into the bathroom." 

 

Urie ponders on it, and then shakes his head. He stands up and extends out his hand for Mutsuki to take, "No. It's probably seven anyways, don't want to wake him up yet."

 

Mutsuki chuckled, "He does tend to get grumpy when people wake him up."

 

They walk towards the door, but then Mutsuki stops with an  _'oh, before I forget'_  and turns around, grabs a towel and begins to dry Urie's head softly, then he moves to his face and the towel grazes his cheek, it's almost like it's natural for Mutsuki, an automatic movement. He halts briefly, and his skin takes a lovely tint, his eyes stare into Urie's. Urie finds himself leaning in slightly into Mutsuki.

 

            "Sorry," he says, but doesn't look like it - his pupils are bigger, Urie notices - "Suzuya always ends up spilling something on him so it's sort of natural,  _this_." 

 

and then Urie leans more and

 

and then he pauses, because the mention of Juuzou is enough to snap him back to reality. He scowls, moves away. He hates how only the mention of Juuzou's name is enough to make him sour all of the sudden.

 

(A voice whispers _greedy, greedy child_ and _mine mine mine_ ) 

 

Urie doesn't know when, but one moment he's in the bathroom leaning towards Mutsuki's ministrations, and the next moment he's stomping down the hall, fists clenching and unclenching. 

 

Mutsuki's walking after him, trying to not call his name too loud lest he wakes up any of the others.

 

            "Urie!  _please_ , at least take the towel!" He begs when he finally catches up to Urie as he stands outside his bedroom door, and then holds out the towel - he was clutching to it before extending his arm out - and Urie glares, "I don't want you getting sick."

 

He takes the towel and shuts the door to his bedroom. 

  

 

 

**//**

He knows. Urie knows that this is not healthy.

 

The jealousy, he knows. He just doesn't know how to cope. With Shirazu, there was really no problem with it because while Shirazu is friendly, he doesn't form any last-longing relationships, which sets Urie at ease. With Mutsuki, it's a different case. 

 

Because he's got three other names on his body, and one of them happens to be Juuzou, who spends most of his free time in the chateau. If not, he drags Mutsuki away from the house, so really, it's really bothersome.

 

He tries to cope, he knows that what they have is platonic - and despite himself, he comes to realize that what he and Mutsuki have?  _not_  platonic. He never had a need to kiss Shirazu breathless, leave him as nothing more than a needy mess for more and  _more more_. So It's romantic, that much is for sure - and will remain platonic.

 

But seeing Juuzou on Mutsuki's lap, feeding him sweets and just getting too touchy with Mutsuki?

 

Yeah _. No._

 

So is he currently trying to not punch the guy -  _Uta_ , his brain provides - for the comments on Mutsuki's physique? Yes, very much. He really wants him to stop touching Mutsuki.

 

(Though, partly because there's something weird about this guy.)

 

 _You have a cute face_ _for a boy._

_You look delicate._

_Cute eyepatch._

_(_ And all Urie can do is repeat,  _don't touch him. )_

 

 

 

**//**

            "So, I heard you saved Mucchan."

 

Urie would love to say that he knew that Juuzou was in the room with him. But unfortunately, he might have been too concentrated on the painting to notice, so he does in fact startle at the voice, pushes back and lands flat on his back.

 

The pain at the back of his head doesn't register, instead he finds himself looking up at Juuzou, who peers down at him with a grin.

 

            " _Oops_." The bastard says, and has the audacity to look like they actually care.

 

So he's given it much thought and Suzuya has done absolutely nothing to gain his hate, they should be in the category people receive when Urie doesn't care about them and have no relation to him whatsoever. Except that Juuzou does happen to have a relation to him and Urie does care about them - what they do, with Mutsuki of course - but then he thinks, it's just that they're soulmates.

 

(It's platonic, stop being so selfish.)

 

            "So?" And maybe the word drips with too much venom, one eyebrow quirks upward. He can feel his lips tugging downwards. Juuzou shouldn't be in his room.

 

Urie should stand up. He doesn't though, simply stays there. 

 

When Suzuya notices he's not going to stand up, they put both hands behind their back and tilts backwards, using the sole of their feet to hold balance. Their big, red eyes, flicker to the painting and Urie's fingers twitch.

 

            "That's creepy, you know? Does Mutsuki know you paint him?" Suzuya cocks their head to the side, black strands of hair following suit.

 

If Urie stares enough, he can see the white roots slowly showing.

 

            "Yes."

 

            "No." They frown, they pull off facial expressions so easily, fluid. Their eyes shine with a child-like curiosity and Urie can see why Mutsuki might like them. (But his mind screams,  _trouble-child_  and he know that Juuzou's outer look doesn't define their personality.)  "I mean, does he know you have  _paintings_  of him. Everywhere, in your room."

 

Okay, so maybe Mutsuki posed once for Urie a couple of days ago, and Mutsuki knows of the existence of only one painting - and not the other fifteen that followed shortly after. 

 

Urie doesn't get to reply, he opens his mouth but Juuzou cuts him off. Walks towards a nearby canvas and holds it up.

 

(It gives Urie the perfect view of Mutsuki's name on Juuzou's wrist.)

 

            "If you like his eyes so much, you could just ask him to I dunno," They place the canvas down recklessly and Urie can feel his eye twitch. "Give you a picture of 'em."

 

Urie stares at them, trying to decide if Juuzou's fucking with him. But they look at Urie like the suggestion is actually coming from them as a sort of help, then after another ten seconds go by, he talks;

 

            "You'd think he'd do it?"

 

Juuzou snorts, "No. That's creepy." They say it like it's common knowledge and Urie grits his teeth.

 

            "What do you want? (Get out.)" Urie sits up, and drops the brush on his hand. His dark eyes level up to the canvas - now ruined, there's a dark green line that ruins everything - and sighs.

 

            "Me? Nothing, what about you? I'm sure _you_ want something."

 

Urie doesn't hold back, doesn't filter his tone. "You. Out of my room." _and out of the chateau, out of Mutsuki's life._

 

(No, no bad Urie _bad bad bad_ )

            

 Suzuya rolls their eyes, squats down and places their arms on their knees. "You know I can't do that," they say, like they've read Urie's mind, "and Mucchan wouldn't be happy."

 

Urie's jaw tightens. "(He doesn't need _you_ to be happy) Why'd you say that?"

 

But Urie knows that what he thinks is extremely wrong, because Mutsuki is _happy_ when he's with Juuzou. It brings Urie warmth when he sees Mutsuki so alive and so carefree, _happiness_. It's the best look he's seen on him. 

 

            "Because we form part of his world, so learn to deal with it." Juuzou stops, tucks a strand of loose hair behind their ear and speaks, "It's simple really. You like making Mutsuki happy, I do too."

 

Juuzou looks at Urie, like they're expecting him to finally realize how wrong he is and maybe join them and Mutsuki on a cuddle-fest with sweets and lots of loving. 

 

Urie blinks.

 

Juuzou rolls their eyes, pokes Urie's cheek and Urie swats their hand away. "Me thinks, that this is your first time dealing with soulmates."

 

Urie doesn't get to respond.

 

            "But don't worry, it's easy. We can take turns, you know, I'll make way for you because you're part of our life now." Urie doesn't like how they say 'ours', "and um, I think you're cool. So there's that."

 

Then after a bit of hesitation, they add; "Well, not _as_ cool as Mutsuki. But you've got a look that can ki- _Ha!_ There it is!" Juuzou grins.

 

Urie, finally stands up and looks at Juuzou. Staring, trying to find out what they're getting at.

 

            "Anywho, I just wanted to say thanks, you know, for um saving him." Juuzou looks honest now, and Urie notices the way they rubs their wrist. "Mutsuki's really important to me, I can't think about living without him. So that makes you important as well, I guess."

 

Urie frowns, "I didn't save him..." 

 

In fact, from what he'd seen once Shirazu and him found Mutsuki, he was doing a fine job of defending himself. It's not hard to notice that Mutsuki's become increasingly stronger in the time that has passed and it's good. Good that he's finally dropped that uncertainties that overpowered his brain whenever they were in situations like those.

 

Suzuya doesn't speak, let's Urie finish. "He was doing fine on his own."

 

Juuzou hums, thinking about his words before shrugging. "That's not how he tells it."

 

Juuzou leaves him after that, and Urie stares at the door for a couple of minutes before looking at the clock on his stand, it's early. 

 

He could work out, maybe get away from the house for a while.

 

(He uses the time to think about Suzuya's words.)

 

 

 

**//**

The next time Mutsuki corners him - because that's what it is, he leaves Urie with no choice of escape (damn him and his alluring presence) - Urie's listening to music, his gaze out the window. He had just finished running laps around the nearby park and happened to stumble upon that cafe where he got his mark.

 

Surprisingly, it doesn't bring any memories of the event, instead he finds himself wondering if the waitress from that time is still working there. He wants to order something else just to see if she happens to mess up his order again. 

 

He's snapped out of his thoughts when a plate is set down on his table, and he eyes it carefully before running his eyes from the pale hand up towards the owner's face. He's met by one eye, he raises an eyebrow. Moves to take one of his earbuds and waits for an explanation.

 

            "I'm going to assume you have no idea on what type of cake this is - because, you don't like sweets - , so I'll make your life easier. It's a black forest cake, a piece." The waitress - _Touka_ , reads her badge - says, and behind her eye there's a glint there. She's amused.

 

Urie eyes the sweet and the cup of coffee - it also, smells sweet - before looking back at her. "I didn't order this."

 

            "Oh, that I know. Consider it a _gift_ from those two over there," She points at a nearby table and Urie doesn't bother looking there, he keeps on staring at her, "I was about to tell him that you're not a big fan of sweets, but..." 

 

She trails off and a smug smile takes place. 

 

Urie briefly wonders how she knows - remembers- all of this, but  then he thinks back at the big show Urie and Shirazu put that day, stuff like that's not easy to forget. Specially since the cafe seems to be the quiet sorts, not too many interesting things happening. He understands her amusement though.

 

            "Enjoy it." She says and retreats.

 

Urie then, stares at the sweet and looks up, one ear occupied by the sound of one of his favorite bands, and looks around. He spots a head of green hair and one of black hair. He can feel the tiniest twitch of his left eye. 

 

He wanted to spend the day alone, he's had enough of Suzuya for a whole week. 

 

Mutsuki and Juuzou are sitting down on a table that's more closer to one of the back walls. Mutsuki's feeding Juuzou whatever it is that's on his plate, and Urie notices how the table is filled with different sweets, all belonging to Suzuya. He knows that while Mutsuki likes sweets, it's not as much as Suzuya does. 

 

When Mutsuki feels Urie's eyes on his, he stops his ministrations, - Suzuya takes the spoon and digs in by themselves, they're probably talking too, by the way their shoulders move and moves the fork around. - Mutsuki glances briefly at Suzuya and then goes back to staring at Urie. 

 

He gives a little smile, and Urie nods.

 

Then Mutsuki excuses himself, and Urie watches as Suzuya's head snaps to the side and they too smile at Urie, mouth dirty with creams, before going back to eating their sweets. Mutsuki takes his time getting towards Urie's table, maybe thinking about what he's about to say.

 

When he arrives, he takes the seat facing Urie. "I heard that this is their best cake, thought you'd like it."

 

Urie eyes the sweet and sighs, "I don't like sweets."

 

Mutsuki blinks and then bites his lip. "Oh, I... I didn't know." He then eyes the cup of coffee and cringes, "That also means you don't drink coffee with sugar?"

 

The tone is hopeful, like maybe he's gotten something right. Urie feels sort of guilty that he can't lie, so he shakes his head and hates how Mutsuki looks deflated for a second. The silence that extends the both of them is uncomfortable, not like before.

 

Urie can feel Juuzou's eyes on the both of them. He briefly imagines them grinning at the uncomfortable atmosphere, this might prove to be interesting to the brat.

 

Mutsuki laughs, it's a soft one that snaps Urie out of his thoughts. He finds himself leaning forward and picking up the fork, taking a piece of the cake and then holding it out for Mutsuki to take. Mutsuki eyes the fork, a bit surprised but doesn't comment on it before he too leans forward and the fork disappears inside his mouth. He pulls back.

 

Urie does it again, liking how it feels natural and _right_ to just feed Mutsuki the cake. He might not like sweets, but the way Mutsuki's shoulders lower with relief is enough to keep him sated with a sugary feeling that he welcomes. 

 

Too soon, the cake is gone. 

 

            "I didn't know." Mutsuki moves his hand to indicate to the order, "Shirazu never said anything."

 

Urie finds himself smiling a bit. "It's okay."

 

Mutsuki shakes his head, "No, it's not. Um, we're bonded but we don't know anything about each other."

 

Mutsuki goes to place his hand on his chest - where, the mark that Urie has, besides the one at the back of his neck, is at - and the movement automatically catches Urie's interest. "A wheel of fortune, right?" 

 

Urie finds himself nodding. If he finds it weird that they both two marks instead of one, he doesn't comment on it. (It makes them unique, no one else can have what they have.) 

 

And Urie knows that Mutsuki's right. They might be bonded and when they need each other it just is, they bring comfort and general good feelings just by being near, and Urie realizes that maybe he hasn't gotten as close to Mutsuki like he has done with Shirazu because they don't know anything about each other.

 

Just that their names are marked on their bodies, but Mutsuki doesn't know anything about Urie other than the common stuff, stuff he doesn't care that people know about. Urie has no clue as to what makes Mutsuki tick, and up until now, he found that he didn't exactly wondered about it.

 

But now that they're here sitting down, comfortable, and actually talking - nothing that involves consolation, or fighting or tension - it just seems clear. They have nothing to talk about, because they don't know each other's boundaries or likes.

 

It's bothersome, to say the least.

 

Urie nods, encourages Mutsuki to speak. 

 

            "Which is, weird you know? We have two marks - the same ones - and we don't know anything about each other, and um, I guess, since we have two instead of one, it means _something_?" Mutsuki frowns.

 

            "Like what?" Urie asks, now curious as well. Mutsuki's onto something here.

 

            "I... I _don't know_. But if it's there, here, then it _must_ mean something, right?" He questions, looks at Urie with his beautiful green eye. "And I'd like to figure out what it is, because this," he points at himself and Urie, "it's not entirely platonic and I'm not sure if it's entirely romantic either."

 

He does have a point, which Urie can understand. He doesn't like the idea of a romantic bond, and when he first started to realize that it might not be entirely platonic, he didn't know what else to classify it as other than romantic. Hey, he still has an urge to kiss Mutsuki, because his presence is so calling, inviting, but there's _more_.  

 

More. And he won't be able to find out what exactly it is alone.

 

He lets the silence stay, let's himself ponder on his statement before he shrugs, "Alright."

 

            "Alright?" Mutsuki asks, tone confused.

 

            " _Alright_. Yes, you're right. This is actually new to me, I've only had Shirazu and what we have is platonic, and what I feel for you it's not entirely platonic... I don't know about romantic." He states, then laces his fingers together. "And you have more experience than I do."

 

He eyes the names on Mutsuki's wrist and the dark-skinned male's face flushes, he tucks a strand of hair behind his ear. 

 

            "Oh! N-No! I've only met Juuzou, the other two I have no idea who they are." He smiles, "so we're in the same boat. Makes it even, we can start on _this_ together."

 

Urie likes the way Mutsuki says ' _we_ ' a lot. _A lot._  

 

            "That sounds good. Let's start over then," he unlaces his fingers and extends out his hand, Mutsuki looks at it vaguely confused, "My name's Kuki Urie, and I love your eyes."

 

Mutsuki holds his hand after a couple of seconds have passed, and the smile on his face just feels right. Holding his hand feels right. It feels like _life_.

 

            "Nice to meet you Urie, my name's Tooru Mutsuki, and I think you have a beautiful smile."

 

 

 

 

(Sometime later, he vaguely wonders when drowning felt like life, when water rushing down his lungs felt like love and when the boulder that held him down was an unspoken promise of companionship.) 

**Author's Note:**

>  **EDITED 09/06/15 :** Edited some words I had wrong, and added about two/four lines that I also missed on writing. Other than that, everything stays the same. 
> 
> As always, you guys can leave prompts on my tumblr: crystallizedInsomniac.tumblr


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